Thursday, April 21, 2011
It has been over 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And suddenly my life looks so different from anything I imagined. I miss Mozambique. I miss my beautiful boys. I miss being woken up at 6:00 in the morning as the littlest boys arrive, gushing with joy to see us. I miss being a part of restoring families as street kids choose to leave the streets and return to their families. I miss visits in the villages as we check in on boys who are beginning life back with their families. I miss 5:00 tea on the rooftop with my housemates. I even miss the frustrations of my life there....being ripped off at the market because I'm white or dealing with boys who steal from the very hands that care for them. I miss Paito's humor and Tilfo's quite strength. And oh how I miss sweet little Felix and that grin of his that could brighten any day.
It's hard to be content here when my heart is 8,643 miles away. I can't stop the tears when the doctor tells me it will be at least 2 more weeks before we have the test results back on my tumor and can make a decision about the next step in my treatment. And the tears really come as the doctor explains that, if chemo is necessary, it would be 3 or 4 months of treatment followed by a month and a half of radiation. My heart breaks at the thought of having to be away from Mozambique for that long. I find myself praying constantly for God's mercy that chemo will not be a part of my treatment.
And it's all selfish, these prayers of mine. Because I just want to be back in Mozambique...not because of the work that I have to do there or the decisions that need to be made at the project. Those things happen with our without me. No, I want to be back because its there that I feel most alive . . . sitting on the back porch helping Felix with his reading or walking to the pharmacy with yet another boy covered in sores or dishing up heaping servings of rice and beans for 35 boys.
They don't need me. I need them.
I have no doubt that I'll beat this cancer. I'm not afraid. I know that my God is good and will never leave me. I know that He promises to work all things together for good. I know that He has a plan for me...to prosper me and not to harm me. I am confident in His love.
It's the waiting that is the hardest. Waiting to go home.