1 Down, 7 to Go

It's been almost 1 week since my first chemo treatment. It has been a hard week adjusting to the effects the drugs have had on my body. I've been nauseous most days. I'm exhausted and have to plan my days around being able to take a nap. I'm having to depend upon other people to take me places as I am too loopy to drive myself. All in all I I just don't feel like myself. But 1 down and only 7 more to go! Then I'll be able to return to Mozambique!!!

Here's what's been going on in Mozambique while I've been away:

Anselmo has gone home!

Aderito lived at our house for a month. He was the first boy I helped reintegrate when I started working with Masana in 2009.

Gildo has gone home!

My housemates got a new puppy!

The Worst Test Score Ever

Tuesday I got the test results back from my Oncotype. This test is designed to determine the likely hood of my cancer recurring. I got a 47. That puts me in the category of "high chance of reoccurrence." So not what I was expecting. What does this horrible test score mean? It means I have to undergo 4 months of chemo therapy. I will be starting in the next week or two.

I had my hopes set on being able to return to my beloved Mozambique in June. Instead, I am settling in for 7 more months worth of treatment (radiation after the chemo). I was tempted to opt out of chemo, complete my radiation, and return to Mozambique in June as I had planned it out in my head. But I received some wise counsel from one of my doctors that forced me to look past my immediate circumstances and into the future. . . that giving up a year of my life to fight this cancer will allow me years and years to continue my ministry in Mozambique or wherever God takes me.

If I'm learning anything through this battle with cancer, its that I'm not in control. I am very quick to come up with a plan A and B and sometimes even C. . . ready for whatever the doctor throws my way. Chemo was not in my plans. But I choose to trust in God. I trust that He will get me through this treatment. I trust that He will give me joy and strength.

Throughout this whole cancer thing, I've come back time and time again to the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego being thrown into the fiery furnace. After being removed from the furnace by the king, Daniel 3:27 says, "They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was the hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them." Will you join me in praying this verse as I begin chemo. Pray that the drugs will attack the cancer cells and not the rest of my body. . . that I will come out of this chemo unharmed.

Waiting

It has been over 8 weeks since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And suddenly my life looks so different from anything I imagined. I miss Mozambique. I miss my beautiful boys. I miss being woken up at 6:00 in the morning as the littlest boys arrive, gushing with joy to see us. I miss being a part of restoring families as street kids choose to leave the streets and return to their families. I miss visits in the villages as we check in on boys who are beginning life back with their families. I miss 5:00 tea on the rooftop with my housemates. I even miss the frustrations of my life there....being ripped off at the market because I'm white or dealing with boys who steal from the very hands that care for them. I miss Paito's humor and Tilfo's quite strength. And oh how I miss sweet little Felix and that grin of his that could brighten any day.

It's hard to be content here when my heart is 8,643 miles away. I can't stop the tears when the doctor tells me it will be at least 2 more weeks before we have the test results back on my tumor and can make a decision about the next step in my treatment. And the tears really come as the doctor explains that, if chemo is necessary, it would be 3 or 4 months of treatment followed by a month and a half of radiation. My heart breaks at the thought of having to be away from Mozambique for that long. I find myself praying constantly for God's mercy that chemo will not be a part of my treatment.

And it's all selfish, these prayers of mine. Because I just want to be back in Mozambique...not because of the work that I have to do there or the decisions that need to be made at the project. Those things happen with our without me. No, I want to be back because its there that I feel most alive . . . sitting on the back porch helping Felix with his reading or walking to the pharmacy with yet another boy covered in sores or dishing up heaping servings of rice and beans for 35 boys.

They don't need me. I need them.

I have no doubt that I'll beat this cancer. I'm not afraid. I know that my God is good and will never leave me. I know that He promises to work all things together for good. I know that He has a plan for me...to prosper me and not to harm me. I am confident in His love.

It's the waiting that is the hardest. Waiting to go home.

Recovering

So the surgery is done! I went in on Wednesday and had a lumpectomy and a biopsy of lymph nodes. It was an out-patient procedure so I was back home by 7pm. And straight to bed. At first, the pain was pretty bad but its getting better now.

So now I get to sit here and recover because the sooner I recover, the sooner I can start radiation and the sooner I start radiation, the sooner I finish radiation and the sooner I finish radiation, the sooner I return to Mozambique! So what does recovery look like for me? Reading lots of books. Yesterday I read "Quaker Summer" by Lisa Samson. Today I'm starting the "Mark of the Lion" series by Francine Rivers. If you have any good book recommendations, pass them along!

I go back to the doctor on Tuesday. The doctor should have the results from my pathology by then. They are running tests on both the tumor and my lymph nodes. I hope to find out more about radiation as well and begin getting that set up.

Thanks for continuing to remember me in your prayers! Please pray for a speedy recovery from surgery.

Surgery

I wanted to let you all know that I will be having surgery this Wednesday morning. I am having a lumpectomy which means the surgeon will remove the tumor. So far, it appears the cancer is located in one place which is great news! The tumor will be sent to a lab where a few tests will be run but as long as things come back as the doctor thinks they will, no chemo! Once the incision heals, I'll begin 5-7 weeks of radiation. I have been told that it takes anywhere from 2-6 weeks for the incision to heal and before radiation can begin. Praying its more on the 2-week side of things!!

As far as I know, the surgery is outpatient so I will be back at my parent's house Wednesday evening. Thanks for continuing to carry me in your prayers!

One Thing Remains

Lots of people have been checking in to see how the week went so here is a summary:

I had the MRI Wednesday. It went well and the radiologist says it looks positive. The cancer is centralized to one location. I went in thursday as well to redo the mammogram and ultra sound. I had had these done in South Africa but they were not sufficient. During this testing, they did an ultra sound of my lymph nodes and said that they don't see swelling there which is a good sign. The radiologist also inserted a clip into the tumor to help easily locate the tumor for surgery and/or chemo.

I have an appointment with the medical oncologist Wednesday of next week and then go in for genetic testing on Thursday. Then on the following Tuesday (April 5) I will meet with my doctor (surgical oncologist) again. It still feels so far away but I guess we are getting closer to having a plan for surgery and treatment.

Every time I leave the hospital, I find myself thinking "is this really happening?" It still feels surreal. I miss mozambique and my boys so much but am trying to find contentment in where God has me now. A song by Bethel has become my theme over the past weeks. It is called "One Thing Remains." The words say:

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing... remains

Your love never fails, it never gives up
It never runs out on me

On and on and on and on it goes
It overwhelms and satisfies my soul
And I never, ever, have to be afraid
One thing remains

I don't know why I have to walk this road but I know that God is in control. I have no need to fear. I can trust in His love. It never fails. It never gives up. It never runs out on me.

MRI

Just a quick post to let you know that I have an MRI on Wednesday at 9:00am. This will be to see if the cancer has spread anywhere else in my body. Once the results are in, I'll have an appointment with a medical oncologist and then I'll meet with my doctor (a surgical oncologist) again next Tuesday.

Finally feels like things are moving. Keep praying!